Well, the title is a clickbait (who knew a BuzzFeed contributor could do that :O). But the sentiment that the line from a Simple Plan song still resonates with me. It’s a song from a son to his father, talking about how he’s disappointed him all along, and apologises for just not being good enough.
It’s something I’ve always resonated with. I’m not sure why, but my biggest fear has always been disappointing people. Parents, partners, friends- everyone. It’s just something I’m always afraid of.
Today, I sit with the same fears, typing this from the same spot I ironically wrote this post about the less-than-ideal situation at home.
It’s not secret that I’ve applied to Columbia. Perhaps the reason I’ve tried and been vocal about this is because I was expecting some help, though most of it really came from N and K. I’m not complaining- it’s something I was ready to do alone from the start.
However, what I wasn’t anticipating one bit was the subtle jibes and set of expectations from other people. It’s become a conversation ender of sorts- “oh you’re toh going to Columbia, why do you have to worry?”
Fuck man. Every single time someone says that, the burden gets heavier.
I know G says this a lot, and I know she means well. However, she’s become someone I’m yet again afraid of disappointing. It’s just a little saddening to correct everyone’s sentences from “when” to “if I get into Columbia”.
I remember the time I used to be confident in my abilities. Perhaps college, and more so life all around, has made that much worse.
I was once quite close to death, and that really helps things into perspective.
If you’re reading this, I’d request you to mellow your expectations a bit. It’s how I’ve always lived life- having little or no expectations. I know everyone doesn’t follow the same model, so the least I can do is write about it and make an attempt to try and make things easier for me.
Having said that, it’s definitely been a good week. Work is good, and more importantly, encouraging. Home couldn’t be better; seeing Wolf Alice live (and consequently chilling with them afterwards with C) was the experience of a lifetime. I’m meeting A today, which should be delightful. I need to get on with my work, but I feel a lot better about myself, which is definite progress. Onwards and upwards!
mohantee's musings 
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